Snap, Crackle....POP

I went to my first chiropractic appointment today.

Why didn't anyone tell me that it was going to be RIDICULOUSLY, INSANELY, VERGING-ON-THE-INAPPROPRIATE weird?  (Not that I didn't like it...)

When I laid down on the table and placed my face in the little cradle designed for that purpose, I was prepared for something pampering and soothing akin to a massage.  These gentle thoughts were confirmed when the doctor told me to relax and breathe deeply.

"Everything's cool..." he crooned, RIGHT BEFORE THE ASSAULT BEGAN!

Several minutes of what I would essentially describe as a totally one-sided violent skirmish went down.  As the doctor soothingly murmured phrases like, "You're doing great...Hang in there...Just relax...Deep breaths," he was wrenching my head from side to side, kneeling on my back, folding my legs into positions that they don't go in.  The irony of the obvious juxtaposition between the words and the actions was not lost on me.

I felt like I was in the middle of a WWF Raw fight.  What's your finishing move, doc?

Strange and violent and violating as it was, it didn't necessarily hurt, and I heard more snaps, crackles, and pops than a whole box of fresh, delicious Rice Crispies would produce in a gallon of milk.  I almost wanted to laugh at the absurdity of this procedure!  (And I have had Reiki, acupressure, acupuncture, and hot suction cup therapy--not making this up...so I'm down with un-traditional.)

So, when he tells me to flip onto my side, I felt very apprehensive...  I think this is justified.  I wondered if I should be prepared to fight back.  Perhaps sensing my trepidation...and worried that I may bust out some Sandra-Bullock-in-"Miss-Congeniality"-esque self-defense maneuvers on him...he engaged in more idle (surely, meant to be calming, reassuring, normalizing) chit-chat with me, but I had trouble concentrating because my cowl-neck sweater was all askew and my hair was still  mussed and in my eyes.

Before I could comment on the weather (rainy), it was back on!  He was bending my knee into my chest and using his hips to bump more crackles out of my clearly decrepit spine.   Seriously?  I just met you, dude.

Following two sides of this thrusting maneuver, the doctor picked me up in a crossed-arm bear hug and shook me out like a dog-fur-covered rug.  More crackles and pops.  Thankfully, the grizzly attack was the finishing move of his therapeutic smack down. 

I remained where he set me down, totally "decompressed," according to my benevolent attacker, and he retreated to the opposite corner of the room...  We were like boxers returning to our corners after a round.  I needed my corner people to come over and adjust my cowl-neck and possibly brush out my gnarly hair.  We both needed some Gatorade.  Amazingly, I was not injured (more so than I had been when I entered, anyway).

To add weirdness to...well, weirdness, the doctor took me to a bed and asked me to show him how I sleep.  I did.  It was apparently very wrong and bad.  He showed me the proper way to arrange my pillows and adjust my body.  As I have mentioned, this doctor is not gentle...very friendly and nice, but not gentle.  His manner is more like that of an athletic trainer or a coach.  As I'm adjusting the pillows, he is, like, inspirationally barking, "Now challenge that pillow!  ...Challenge it!  Bury your ear!  Point that chin!"  It was like boot camp for proper sleep hygiene.  I own my sleep position now!  I showed those pillows who was boss!  Can I do this?  Yes, yes, YES!

I have another appointment for mutually-consenting, totally one-sided assault on Thursday.  And twice a week for the next several months, as apparently this issue is going to be tough to beat.  (Haha, get it?  Pun totally intended.)  Between now and then, maybe I should watch some Rocky movies...get a sweatsuit...and begin drinking raw eggs to toughen up.

Seriously: this was an awkward, TOTALLY unexpected, thing for me, but can you imagine being the doctor?

"Hi, nice to meet you.  I think I can help you a lot.  Just lie down and relax.  Take a deep breath....good."
(Pounce.)
"Ha-yah!  POW!  Kazaam!"
(Retreat momentarily.)
"So, how about all this rain?"
(Attack.)
"Grr!  Karate chop!  BAM!"

The person who walked out of the adjustment room before me was an elderly woman... 

She must be one tough granny.