So Far, So Good: I'm Scheming "Something" Mightily

It has been three days since the start of 2012, and so far, so good! 

Reflecting on some scripture and commentary (from my Advent "Blue Book"), I was struck by these words: "So what am I to do?  I am free to do what I can do...something, just not everything...I can do something."   I often feel stymied by my limited ability to DO anything, as a stay-at-home mom.  I want to do something AWESOME, but how with so little free time or extra resources?  This commentary seemed to speak to that exact feeling.  No, I'm not free to do much at this time.  But that doesn't mean that I can't do anything.  Even if it's something small, it is still something, and every little bit helps.

On that note, I've been pretty productive here.  Mostly I'm trying to determine how to use space at the farm to do the most good.  No one wants to hear any of my ideas until they are fully formed, so my mind is basically a whirling chaotic mess!  I have written down my ideas in various notebooks and scraps of paper which litter my desk (basically a tangible version of what's going on inside my brain).

My current "master plan" is basically to consolidate the horses in a smaller area that is more centrally located to the houses.  The horses all require very little pasture at this point, so moving them to a more confined area would make it easier to manage their weight and easier to care for them in general, as water and electricity are already present*.

(*A big deal, as tonight I spent more than an hour fighting with the hose, which is basically the singular plot or at least the most commonly recurring theme of all of my winters.  Eventually, I was forced to give up on the hose, which froze shut immediately after being attached to the carefully winterized faucet.  Therefore, I was resigned to clumsily filling and transporting and lugging and pouring a 5-gallon water tank repeatedly from the basement of the barn to the top of the property where the horses currently reside...until it broke, sloshing me with water in the 23 degree night air!)

So, in order to determine whether my "master plan" is at all feasible, I have been collecting estimates from a variety of contractors--excavating, wood construction, metal construction, concrete construction, fencing, etc.  If it is allowable by the township, I'd like to fortify and expand a barn that currently exists and replace some decrepit fencing that has been removed.

And...if I already have an excavator leveling a spot for an enlarged barn structure, maybe--just maybe--it would be the right time to level a spot to ride (dare I say it, an "arena")?  After all, there is already a flood light lighting the old "riding" area...  Oh, to have an arena after all of these years!!  A level spot with footing and lights would take my enjoyment of the horses to a new stratosphere.

If the horses were removed from the upper fields to the central spot, by way of my "master plan," less mowing and maintenance would be required in that area.  Efficiency: check!  We would be able to ride whenever--darkness, rain, freezing weather.  Efficiency: check!  And, we would have a large acreage of pasture that was not in use.  Efficiency: Zero~ especially as we have been mowing it several times during the summer, which is not a blast, and then allowing the cut grass to rot.  So...wait for it!...we have a service come to custom bale those pastures, thusly, gaining a supply of hay for our horses at a much-reduced price and also creating a surplus of hay that could be sold or donated (to the SPCA Equine Fund!!)  Efficiency: check, check! Not to mention a GREAT BIG SOMETHING for starving horses!

Add that planning and scheming to my ideas for additional fundraising for the SPCA horses--tack sale, sponsorships, market stands, horsey pillows--oh, and my thoughts on a free-range, organic-egg-laying chicken flock--oh, and a non-profit horse sanctuary or foster home--and I'm on a major role!  I'M FINALLY DOING SOMETHING...or at least scheming mightily to do something!

But can she keep up this level of spastic mental activity?  That remains to be seen...

One More New-Year Thing

I was reading my horoscope in the local newspaper.  It said something to the effect of: Your work is taking up a lot of your time and emotional energy.  If you follow through with your dreams, this could be the year that they come true.  I was super-happy to read this.  In fact, I cut it out to tape somewhere for inspiration.  I can't find it now, as evidenced by my ugly paraphrase above, because Brooke can reach my desk now and robs me of my things and then squirrels them away in or under furniture for me to randomly find later...

As I was searching for the scrap and considering my euphoria at it's initial reading, it occurred to me that it is a really generic horoscope.  I mean, isn't it always the case that if you follow through with your dreams, they will come true...for anyone...anywhere...anytime?

Our failings don't occur because the stars didn't align.  They occur because we give up on the dream.  Or we didn't fully form the dream.

I give up on my "dreams" when my reality doesn't immediately (or eventually) match the dreaminess.  I give up if things are hard or if the next step isn't obvious or if I get overwhelmed or if I feel tired or if I'm afraid people will see that I'm not as smart, cool, talented, or capable as I'd had them convinced previously.

My ultimate dream is to do something AWESOME.  For the wider world.  For my family.  For my own sense of self-worth.  I want to find fulfilling work.  It would be a bonus if that work was gainful (in the financial sense).

2012: Eat, Pray, Love. (Better.)

Eat: I am so thankful for my health.  I am aware that I do not deserve to be as thin or as healthy as I am based on my current diet.  I need to eat better--you know, as if I love and respect my body.  It would also be the best example for healthy, conscientious eating that my daughters will have.

Pray: I believe in God.  I am thankful for the Bible; I feel re-energized and re-affirmed by reading it, listening to it, or discussing it.  I kind of wish we had a church community that fit us as a family.  We haven't been attending a church regularly, and I don't miss our church...I feel guilty, but I don't feel like going back there either.  Nevertheless, I would like to spend more time in prayer and meditation and reading the Bible because it makes me happy and content.  I become fully aware of my many blessings and overwhelmed with thankfulness.  By feeling happy, content, thankful, and blessed, I will be able to better serve others...and maybe meet people to serve as my formal or informal "church."  I'd also like to provide more of a faith-full example to my kids.

Love: Our new family motto is, "You are kind.  You are smart.  You are important."  I will tell my family members this.  I will make them repeat it to me.  I will use my actions to assure that they believe it!  I will continue to volunteer at Alyssa's school because it makes her feel special and loved.  I will work to be the best wife and mother that I can be, and when I mess up, I will apologize.  I will continue to multiply the collective peace and happiness that comes from being a member of our horse-human-canine herd!  I will try every day to do something to serve others--no matter how small--donating, volunteering, working for the SPCA Equine Program, researching ways to start my own non-profit venture.

And...I can only hope that if I pour myself into all of this eating, praying, and loving that this will lead to the only thing that I (feel that I) lack--fulfilling work for me that allows me to contribute to our family financially. 

Although, they didn't call the book, Eat, Pray, Love, Work, did they?  Maybe that's the secret?  We shall see.  On with the NEW YEAR!