Bad Kitty!: Child Services, Please Continue to Avert Your Eyes, Thank You!

I think I need to write a child-rearing manual, because I have pioneered a new form of child-training.

In theory, positive reinforcement is a beautiful thing...but, let us be realistic...

Case in point, Brooke had learned to use a shrill shriek to get my attention NOW!  This sound is so hideously irritating that for a while, its deployment instantaneously got her the attention that she was craving.  Anything to make it stop!

(Much less irritating is when she rocks back and forth in her highchair chanting "mama-mama-mama" maniacally whilst clapping her hands when she wants quick service at Cafe Mama...)

For a while, I decided to take the high road and utilize positive reinforcement to stop the madness.  I would turn my back to her when she shrieked, and if she continued, I would leave the room, returning only when she was quiet.  Unfortunately, she is much more skilled than I in the art of torture.  Quickly, I learned that my attempts to positively reinforce acceptable behavior were no match for her superior maneuvers in negatively reinforcing my failures to comply with her protocol.

One day, I was joking around that since positive reinforcement was no match for Brooke(apostrophe)s ear piercing assaults, and shouting back at her would be counterproductive...and slapping her silly is pretty much out of the question...I should spray her with a water bottle.  You know, like you do when the cat jumps up on the kitchen counter, for instance?  BAD KITTY!

One day, I was not joking around.  I actually tried it!  I swiped a spray bottle from Alyssa(apostrophe)s hair styling acoutremontes--I have no idea how to spell this; in fact, I may have made it up--and I waited (not very long) for the next outburst from the tiny dictator.

She screamed; I sprayed.  The execution was perfect, because the shock of the mist stopped her mid-shriek.  She sucked in her breath, opened her eyes, and moved on with her life.  It was just like in the movies: a person becomes hysterical, and a swift slap on the cheek brings them back to their senses. 

I now have spray bottles ("no-no bottles") stashed throughout the house and even in the cupholder of the car and stroller.  If the timing is right, the "no-no bottle" is a no-fail solution.  My only quandry has been what to do about shrieking-in-public, which is without a doubt the worst kind of shrieking overall.  I need some sort of a discreet mini-spray bottle for moments like this.

I could also really use a holster to keep the bottle handy as I go about my daily activities.  I picture myself slinging the "no-no bottle" out of its holster, twirling it around my finger, and spraying in one fluid movement...  Little Aubrey Oakley.

Watch out derelict baby, there is a new sheriff in town.

Please email me regarding book contracts for the next go-to guide in child-training.