Life-Affirming Dream

Merry Christmas to me!

I just woke up from the most life-affirming dream!  Maybe I've been watching too much holiday-themed Lifetime television for women, but...in my dream sequence...

I was sitting at a happy gathering of all of my family members, maybe a holiday party or a birthday party.  Greg and our kids were there, as were my in-laws, and (wait for it!) so were my "new" dream mother- and sister-in-law.

Apparently, all four of my parents had cohesively arranged a new marriage for me--honestly, the one I kind of always expected myself to have in my deepest inner conscience, if I'm being totally honest. 

The dream mother- and sister-in-law were impeccably dresssed and well-mannered and friendly enough, interacting, if minimally, with my strange (real-life) family.  (No offense!)  I recall the dream mother-in-law watching Grandma Becky cuddle Brooke and saying, "The children do like to be touched a lot.  It's a good thing that you'll only be a few hours away from your family."

It seemed that I had been re-married off to some "J-named" (fuzzy on the details there) husband who was handsome and successful (according to dream in-laws, but too busy to come and pick me and the kids up).  My parents were accepting of this arrangement, although they were sad that the girls and I would be moving away.  It was, after all, the situation they had always imagined for me.

The dream in-laws and the real-life family members and I looked over paperwork about the dream house that we'd be moving into with dream future husband.  It was magnificent, water-front (I think on a tributary river to the Bay), and had a $10,000 master suite with black-out curtains.  I know this because the dream family's realtor was, for some reason, on hand to discuss the details of the house with all of us.  Greg and I linked hands as we watched this presentation, as if even he, too, supported this move.

I would be allowed to see Greg when I wanted to, and he'd be able to visit the kids.  I remember feeling relieved that I'd still be able to know him (and to love him), although I feared that he'd eventually move on and fall in love with someone else...as I knew he had the right to do.   And I felt guilty about divorcing again and then being unfaithful to dream future husband--even if he knew about it and pre-approved the situation.

Dream mother-in-law handed me a folded up paper with my dream new married name on it, "Aubrey Something-Starting-With-A-'D.'"  It was a volunteer sign-up sheet, and I'd been signed up to make banana nut muffins for some future charitable event.  I felt a vague sense of confidence, as I knew that I can make banana nut muffins well; I could make my dream family proud.  Greg always liked my banana nut muffins...

(Gnawing sense of despair.)  And then I woke up with a headache and a churning stomach.

Why am I happy with this dream/nightmare?  Because it has been re-affirmed that I'm where I should be!  Even if it's not where I thought I'd be--or where my parents might have put me if they'd had been in control of my destiny--even if it's not in a water-front mansion with a mega-rich family and a hot-shot businessman husband--I'm where I belong.  I'm in the home of my heart's desire, with the imperfect, wonderful man of my literal dreams.

In the face of being given the choice to transport myself and my girls (with everyone's blessing, including Greg's and without even having to give him up entirely) into my subconscious' reckoning of the PERFECT life of over-the-top luxury, absolutely no worries, and--my Achille's heel--complete parental approval, I was sickened.  I dreaded leaving my marriage with Greg.

This may be a dramatic oversharing.  You may feel sad that I react so happily to this kind-of random form of affirmation.  But marriage is hard.  I don't necessarily feel every day that our marriage is ideal.  Sometimes I wonder... ***especially after a night with the in-laws that involved them being two hours late***  And, I am always ultimately reminded that this is meant to be.  Not meant to be perfect.  But it's meant to be mine. 

And that is what it's all about, isn't it?