I Just "Sexted" My Mom

Oh, yes, I did.

I sent my first "sext" (a sexually-explicit text message).  To my mom.

You, see, since I have been winding down breastfeeding Brooke, I have begun to notice some frightening changes to my breasts.  Namely, one is about two cup sizes larger than the other one (at all times, with no regard to engorgement!). 

I realize that it is totally normal for one breast to be larger than the other.  This is a different animal--a significant difference.  I'm going to go so far as to call it a freakish difference.

Since Brooke was born...one year and 3 days ago...I have been living pretty much constantly in my 2 sports bras and 3 nursing tanktops with built-in bras--brown, black, and grey.  The girls have been supported, but in a very utilitarian and most un-glamorous fashion.  (They are workin' boobs now, after all.)

Well, upon Brooke's first birthday, I thought it was high time to return to normal bra usage, as in my pre-pregnancy bras.  These are 34B, which is, I assume, a glorified A.

Sidenote: While I was pregnant, I was a 34DD, which was AWESOME!  I guess I can kiss those bras goodbye...(along with their accompanying Pam Anderson-esque filling).

Anyway, I put on one of my pre-p bras yesterday, and became even more aware of my ghastly unevenness.  My "B" cup bra is waaay too roomy for breast #1, but waaay too small for breast #2.  Serious problems unsued, as I'm sure you can imagine.

As breast #2 spilled over the cup, it pulled the whole bra its direction.  Poor breast #1 was unable to keep the underwire under, so it got mangled and smashed in the process.  The cup for breast #1 ended up mostly above the scoop of my shirt (ie., visible to the world).  Breast #1 didn't stand a chance against breast #2, which has a significant weight advantage...and the bra was completely useless to keep the girls under control and, more importantly, under the cover of my clothing!!

I did what any girl who loves her mama would do in this situation:  I texted her a picture of my lopsided chest wrestling with the useless, ineffectual 2-cups-the-same-size bra!

"Momglomerate..." Get it??

Hello, world!  I had an epiphany today: Every mother is indeed a one-woman "momglomerate."  (I do believe that I created this word.  I Googled it, and nothing--yet!  Mark it down: March 23, 2011.)  Want proof?  Check out Wikipedia's definition of  a conglomerate pasted below:

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Conglomerate (company)

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For a kind of rock, see Conglomerate (geology).

It has been suggested that Media conglomerate be merged into this article or section. (Discuss)

Look up conglomerate in Wiktionary, the free dictionary.

A conglomerate is a combination of two or more corporations engaged in entirely different businesses together into one corporate structure, usually involving a parent company and several (or many) subsidiaries. Often, a conglomerate is a multi-industry company. Conglomerates are often large and multinational.

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See?  Sounds eerily familiar, right, Mom?  Under the general infrastructure of your "parent company," you are also heading up a plethora of wildly-varied "entirely different businesses."  Previously, you may have unimaginatively named this parent business "motherhood," and considered your other industries "cooking," "cleaning," "laundering," "driving," "homework-checking," "diaper-changing," etc.  But, now, as you can clearly see, you are totally a "momglomerate!"  Being the "CEO" of your momglomerate sounds so much more glamorous than "stay-at-home mom" or the un-PC: "housewife."  Another perk: you can now call what was something as mundane-sounding as paying the household bills, "managing corporate finance" (or whatever).  Hail to the Chief!  It is all in the rhetoric, you see.

This blog is dedicated to the business of motherhood and to the respect of the professionals who carry this title.  (Aretha Franklin's "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" is playing in my mind.  Can you hear it?)